23 November 2011

Debunking "vodka tampons"

Earlier this year I posted a report from Germany in which authorities claimed that the use of alcohol-soaked tampons was not an effective way to get intoxicated.  Reports of such have been persistent, but now Danielle Crittenden has performed a more thorough debunking by writing a first-person description of the difficulties and ultimate failure of the maneuver.  Some excerpts:
This had urban legend written all over it. I mean, just think of the sheer logistics of it (Gentlemen, you may want to skip down a paragraph): When you soak the tampon, it enlarges (duh). How then do you reverse engineer it back into its applicator to "toss it back," so to speak? And without the help of the applicator, wouldn't it be like trying to shove an unfurled umbrella back into its cover? Ok, so maybe you don't remove the tampon, but soak it in its applicator: Just stick it in a martini glass like a swizzle stick. Classy! Still, how does it absorb the alcohol if it can't expand? ...

Grimly, I realized there was only one way to settle the mystery... In the interests of science and parents everywhere, I decided that I would have to test the rumour myself... My concerns about the plastic applicator, however, proved well-founded. It drank up a little, maybe half an ounce, before it could hold no more. Not even a 13-year-old would get tipsy from that. I moved on to the next beaker...

I repaired to the bathroom and -- without too much information here -- managed to wad the thing up and push it in where it was supposed to go. (Did it help that I've had three kids? Possibly.) Girls, don't do this in your best party dresses: I think I lost another half-ounce in the process as it splattered on to my clothes and the floor. No need to say "Bottoms up!"

Reaction: Oh sweet mother of Jeez---- 

Owwwwww..... Absolut... firewater!!!!!!! 

Holy sheeeeeeeee... 

It felt like someone had thrown a lit match in there. I began hopping around and breathing in the rapid, short puffs I'd learned in birth classes, so long ago, before I realized I didn't need to breathe like that if I took the epidural...
The rest of her report is in the Huffington Post.  It is worth noting in closing, however, that intrarectal administration of alcohol ("butt-chugging") IS pharmacologically valid, as exemplified by this report of a man who killed himself with an intrarectal overdose (and won a 2007 Darwin Award).


  1. FYI, you can only receive a Darwin Award if you die or become infertile.

  2. Anyone who has ever (in their teenage years) splashed aftershave on their pubes could have told the poor woman that it was going to sting. A lot.

  3. Thank you Richard, I was wondering if you could win a Darwin award prehumously...

  4. Bahahaha this made my day. So wrong!


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