11 November 2020

Miscellaneous aphorisms and witticisms

 I received these in an email this morning:
"You come from dust and you will return to dust.  That's why I don't dust.  It could be someone I know."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." - Demetri Martin

"I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money." - Pablo Picasso
- which reminded me that I had these stored on my computer:
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is looking.'

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly." Theodore Roosevelt

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes. -Ross Perot

If you think jewelry is an investment, try selling a few pieces.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

A day without sunshine is like, night. 

On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 

Remember, half the people you know are below average. 

He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... 

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

"I have enough money to last the rest of my life, unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason


  1. Blatant anti-snakitism! Snakes are our friends.

  2. My grandfather would have loved these. He would always say crazy yogi berra quotes like what's that up in the road "a head?" He died in 2006 and I have recurring dreams that he was really not dead and they dig him up and he's back home very sick but I keep forgetting to go visit him and feel guilty about it and just don't have time to go visit him. He died at the start of my sophomore year in college. I didn't spend as much time as I wish I had with him after I started College. I feel like I neglected him some I guess and have some unresolved guilt. Here's a YouTube video I uploaded of him being on the local 10 o'clock news. https://youtu.be/WYI0gXp03N8

    Sorry. This comment kinda went out of control.

    1. No apology necessary - it's an entertaining video. I particularly liked the predator guards he put on the entrances; I've not seen those on bluebird houses here in south-central Wisconsin.

  3. Love these! I'm especially happy to see that Lazarus Long AKA Robert A Heinlein is not completely forgotten.

    And @bpaulg, for what it's worth, my father (who also loved this kind of thing,) died when I was in my early 20's. It wasn't guilt or regret driven but I used to dream that he had gotten very sick but was still alive. We had lots of conversations in those dreams. I still have these dreams on occasion, even after more than 30 years.

  4. >One of the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

    It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
    And I guess that’s what I like about it.
    It's easy.
    Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

    >And I don't remember where I read this, but it works:

    Once you've finally found something that was lost and used it, a tool or whatever, put it back where you looked for it first.

  5. Morning Stan.
    Being a man of much education, and being of a certain vintage, I hope that the name Viv Stanshall is familiar to you. (Bonzo Dog Band etc). His marvellous LP "Sir Henry at Rawlinson End" is stuffed with charm, wit and whimsy.
    My favourite utterance is "If I had all the money I'd spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink."


  6. My favourite one liner is from Bertrand Russell:

    "Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do so."


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