Old jokes

This blog sometime gets peppered with "gloom and doom" posts about the economy, politics, rants about injustices, and so forth. To relieve the tedium I've dredged up some very OLD jokes from a file stored deep in my hard disk. I have no idea where they came from (some sound like they came from 4th graders...)

A woman in labor is yelling, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Can’t!”
She’s having contractions.

What kinds of bugs live in chimneys? Chimney crickets!

What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall? Dam!

Why are restaurants on the moon so boring? There’s no atmosphere.

A philosopher refused anaesthesia while getting a root canal.
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What’s green and smells like red paint? Green paint.

Two peanuts were walking in a bad neighborhood and one of them was a salted.

What do you call a fish with no eye? “Fsh”

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

Two atoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says “Bill, I think I lost an electron!!” “You sure, Bob?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Gimmie some Chapstick and put it on my bill.”

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

A boy in school says, “I can walk through walls.”
His teacher replies, “Prove it!”
“Okay,” the boy says. He opens the door and walks out.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What’s Irish and hangs out in the back yard? Patty O’Furniture.

and my favorite in this bunch...
Heisenberg was driving down the highway when a cop pulled him over. The cop asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “Yes, but I have no idea where I am!”