More aphorisms and witticisms

Collected from everywhere, stored forever, source attributions lost:

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 

 

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?  

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently.  And for the same reason.

"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.  That's relativity." -- Albert Einstein

It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a car that won't go.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality.

Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.

God gives every bird its food, but he does not throw it into the nest.

Reposted from 2020.