Thinking of cousins at Christmas

I'm going to close my pre-Christmas blogging with excerpts from an insightful article in The Atlantic.  The Great Cousin Decline discusses how smaller modern families are diminishing the number of cousins for today's young people.

Perhaps you’ve heard: Americans are having fewer children, on average, than they used to, and that has some people concerned. In the future, the elderly could outnumber the young, leaving not enough workers to pay taxes and fill jobs. Kids already have fewer siblings to grow up with, and parents have fewer kids to care for them as they age.

Oh, and people also have fewer cousins. But who’s talking about that?

Within many families—and I’m sorry to have to say this—cousins occupy a weird place. Some people are deeply close to theirs, but others see them as strangers. Some cousins live on the same block; some live on opposite sides of the world. That can all be true about any family relationship, but when it comes to this one, the spectrum stretches especially far. Despite being related by blood and commonly in the same generation, cousins can end up with completely different upbringings, class backgrounds, values, and interests. And yet, they share something rare and invaluable: They know what it’s like to be part of the same particular family...

Maybe you don’t find this alarming, given how oddly indeterminate the cousin role can feel. But cousin connections can be lovely because they exist in that strange gray area between closeness and distance—because they don’t follow a strict playbook. That tenuousness means you often need to opt in to cousin relationships, especially as an adult. And the bond that forms when you do might not be easy to replace...

The typical family experience is changing. Some researchers say that American family trees are turning into beanstalks—tall and narrow. People are more likely to have multiple generations of relatives alive at the same time (because of longer life expectancy) but fewer “lateral” relationships, like cousins and siblings (because of a decreased fertility rate). Although the average number of lateral relatives varies across race and class groups in the U.S., the cousin decline is either imminent or already happening across all of them...

Only about 6 percent of adult cousins live in the same census tract (typically about the size of a neighborhood); the rest live an average of 237 miles apart... 

Compared with siblings, cousins tend to have larger gaps in socioeconomic status, and might grow up in different home environments. In childhood, that can make them good role models—more likely to differ from you and your siblings in ways that could be eye-opening. And in adulthood, given that many people find friends who are similar to them, extended family can provide a rare opportunity to have your opinions challenged...

That’s the funny thing about cousins: In all other areas of your life, you might not be alike at all. But knowing the nuances of your family ties through decades of exposure—however sporadic—is a form of closeness in itself. The low stakes of your own relationship can make you perfect allies—but the potential for detachment also means you have to work for it. You can intentionally insert yourselves into each other’s lives, or you can slowly fade out of them...

Consider this, though: In middle age and older, the cohesion of a whole family can begin to depend on the bonds between cousins. Along with siblings, cousins become the ones organizing the reunions and the Thanksgiving meals. The slightly random houseguests in your younger years become the stewards of the family in your older ones—as do you.

A cousin-sparse future, then, could be a greater loss than people might recognize. It might also make the relationship that much more important: With fewer of them around, cousins may need to depend on one another even more. Families are shrinking—but that doesn’t mean they need to come apart.

Warm Christmas greetings to all my cousins.  I love all of you.