INDIANAPOLIS—In the hours following a violent rampage in Indiana in which a lone attacker killed eight individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Friday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Nebraska resident Andrew Clark, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Title, photo, and text copied in toto from The Onion. For my part, I'll add this list of recent mass shootings. CNN considers an incident to be a mass shooting "if four or more people are shot, wounded, or killed, excluding the gunman."
April 15: IndianapolisEight people were killed and several others wounded in a mass shooting at an Indianapolis FedEx facility on Thursday night, Indianapolis.April 15: Pensacola, FloridaAt least six people were injured at an Escambia County apartment complex, as reported by CNN affiliate WEAR-TV. No suspects are in custody.April 15: Washington, DCFour people were shot, including a teenage girl, Thursday in Northeast Washington, DC, affiliate WRC reported.April 13: BaltimorePolice said a dice game turned violent when two shooters opened fire on a group, injuring four, according to CNN affiliate WJZ-TV.April 12: ChicagoFour people were shot, one fatally, and a fifth person was hit by a car in a shooting early Monday on the Eisenhower Expressway, affiliate WMAQ reported.April 11: Wichita, KansasOne person was killed and three others injured in a shooting at a house party at an East Wichita Airbnb, as reported by CNN affiliate KWCH.April 11: SeattleA toddler and three other people were injured when suspects fired into a business parking lot, according to CNN affiliate KIRO 7.April 10: Memphis, TennesseeOne person was killed and three others were injured, including a mother and child, after gunfire was exchanged in a Memphis neighborhood, according to CNN affiliate WHBQ.April 10: Koshkonong, MissouriOne person was killed and three others injured in a shooting at a convenience store, according to CNN affiliate KY3.April 10: Waterbury, ConnecticutPolice responded to calls of a weapons complaint and found blood trails and four injured victims, reported CNN affiliate WFSB.April 10: Allendale, MichiganAn incident outside a house party resulted in four people being shot and one critically injured, according to CNN affiliate WWMT.April 9: Fort Worth, TexasOne person was killed and at least five others injured when people in two vehicles shot at each other on a Fort Worth, Texas, freeway Friday night.April 8: Bryan, TexasA gunman killed one person and wounded at least five others -- four of them critically -- at a cabinet manufacturer, police said.April 7: Rock Hill, South CarolinaA former NFL player killed six people -- including a prominent doctor, his wife and their two young grandchildren -- before killing himself.April 7: MilwaukeeA 26-year-old man was charged with the shooting that killed two people and injured two others at a gas station, according to CNN affiliate WDJT.April 6: DetroitOne person was killed and three others injured after gunfire erupted from a car, according to CNN affiliate WDIV.April 5: BaltimoreFive victims were taken to a hospital with multiple gunshot wounds.April 4: Monroe, LouisianaPolice responded to Bobo's Bar, where they found six victims with gunshot wounds, according to CNN affiliate KNOE.April 4: Birmingham, AlabamaAn argument between two groups of men devolved into more than 30 shots fired at a park on Easter -- killing a woman and wounding five other people, including four children, police said.April 4: Beaumont, TexasA man arrived at a home, threatening several people with a firearm before shooting four victims, according to Beaumont Police.April 3: Wilmington, North CarolinaThree people were killed and four others injured in a mass shooting at a house party, according to CNN affiliate WECT.April 3: Tuscaloosa, AlabamaTwo men were arrested and charged with attempted murder after five people were injured during a shooting outside an Alabama bar, police said.April 3: DallasIn what police said was an apparent murder-suicide plot, 21-year-old and 19-year-old brothers made a pact to kill their parents, sister and grandmother, according to CNN affiliate KLTV.April 3: Quincy, FloridaSeven people were injured by gunfire near a nightclub after a fight broke out into gunshots, according to CNN affiliate WCTV.
And that's just for the first half of the month of April. What the actual FUCK. I'll close comments for this post; if you want to say something/do something, contact your local politicians.