Gregor Samsa consults a famous doctor

Gregor Samsa awakens one morning to find himself transformed into a cockroach.  Desperate for help, he writes to a doctor.  From the doctor's reply:

If you ooze like a slug or you prick like a cactus, 

   every ill-feeling bug finds his way to my practice. 

Whether dozens of styes mar your 100-eyed face, 

   whatever your ailment, you're in the right place. 

Not to brag, but I've never yet failed to determine 

   whatever root causes were vexing a vermin.

Rest assured, I'll endeavor to glean and deduce. 

   You'll be better than ever or my name isn't..... Seuss.

The rest of the transcript is available at This American Life, but it's much more enjoyable as an audio experience.

Background for the befuddled. And here, for those few not familiar with the doctor.

Reposted from 2013 to replace the podcast with the video adaptation and insert a link to the transcript.  And again in 2018 because of the appearance of a useful comment.