Conversations of a book store owner

Selections from an essay by Steve Mauer at Bookmine.com

A very nice, well-appointed lady spends about an hour browsing the stock, including the locked cases. After building a rather formidable stack of unrelated books worth over $3,500 (including some very scarce Mark Twain first editions), I couldn't resist asking:

What do you collect?

Oh nothing, but I will purchase these.

(My curiosity getting the better of me) A gift?

No. I am going to use them to decorate my daughter's bathroom.

(Silly me! I failed to notice that the books were all various shades of green. This is a good thing, since the books will soon be color-coordinated with the mold).

Let me help you carry these out to your car.

Phone call: I just received a book I ordered from you in the mail today and it's covered with syrup.

Hmm. When it left here it was in perfect condition.

Well it's covered in syrup now. I can send it back so you can see.

I'm thinking no. You might want to contact the post office.

I guess I could. Maybe I will just get a rag and wipe it off.

Good plan! Thanks for calling.

(e-mail): I will be returning the book I bought from you. I didn't like the plot. Will you be refunding my postage also?

(guy, mid-thirties, brings in a couple of cheap, Nancy Drew reprints)

Hey man, watta ya give me for these?

Nothing

Why not?

They aren't worth my time. They are just cheap reprints of popular kids' books.

What do you mean kids' books? It says right here, they were made in 1956. How could they be kids' books?

Thanks for coming in (I think not).

(Couple, mid-forties. Pointing at antique book press)

What's that?

(Man explains) They put each page into it to flatten them before making them into a book.

(She) It must take a long time!

(Sharing knowledge is a beautiful thing)

(Woman mid-thirties, pondering a purchase)

I have never read a book this long. It would really have to be good for me to read this one (149 pps.).

phone call: Do you know anything about books?

We hope so.

I have a first edition of the Gutenburg Bible, can you tell me how much it is worth?

Ma'am, what makes you think you have a Gutenburg?

Well, it's German and dated 1880.

I'm afraid you're late by 300 years.

Really, it must be the Luther Burbank edition then!

You have a book I want, but it's $30. Would you take less? I just want to look at the pictures.

I am looking for a certain autobiography, but I don't know who the author is. Can you help me?

That might be difficult!

It's too hot in here! Why don't you turn on the air conditioning or something?

You could take off your sweater.

Is this a library?

No.

Oh, it's a museum!

No.

Well, what is it?

Have you read all these books?

Of course! I never sell a book without reading it first.

(Real long pause)

When do you watch TV?

phone call: Hi, I have a book that is really rare.

What do you have?

It is called "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", but it's not the one by Mark Twain.

Really! Who is it by?

This one was written by Samuel Clemens.

phone call: Hello, do you buy rare books?

Yes, what do you have?

Well, I don't have any.

Then why are you calling me?

Well, if I ever get some, I'll know where to call.

Hi, are you hiring?

No. Not at this time.

I like books.

So do I.

I promise not to get in the way. I could just read or something.

Have you ever seen the Guggenheim Bible?

Yes.

Wow!

Hi, I am looking for an old book.

What's the title?

I don't remember.

OK. Who is the author?

Sorry, can't remember that either.

OK, you are making it a little tough here. What was it about?

I don't remember. But it was my favorite book when I was little.

I don't think I can help you.

OK, thanks for your help.

phone call: Are you hiring?

No.

Good! Can I have your company's name?

Why?

I have to tell the Unemployment Department that I am looking for a job.

This is the Unemployment Department. Can I get your name?

(click)

phone call: Hello. I have some old books for sale.

What kind of books?

Old ones.

OK. What subject areas?

Where does it say that?

phone call: I have some old books.

Really, so do I.

How much will you pay me for them?

Good question. What do you have?

I'm not sure.

Why don't you bring them by.

Drive all the way downtown?

That's usually the way it works.

You're kidding!

Not really.

How much do you pay for books?

Depends on what you have.

Are there any other bookstores in town?

Yes.

What are their phone numbers?

Hang on, let me look them up for you.

(After being left on hold for 10 minutes, he finally hung up)

phone call: I have a rare book.

What do you have?

It's called Sea Wolf.

By London.

Yea.

What makes you think it's rare?

It's signed by him.

Is it a first edition?

Yea.

Who is the publisher?

Dell.

It's a paperback?

Yea.

What year was it published?

1976.

He must have been pretty old when he signed it.

Yea, he was.

I have to go now.

Do you want to buy it?

No.

Why not?

I don't buy paperbacks.

OK, thanks.

You're welcome.

(a customer piles a huge batch of seemingly unrelated books on the counter for purchase)

(me) It's none of my business, but what do you collect?

Books written by authors with seven letter names, that start with the letters "CH".

Why?

I don't know, but it sure is interesting!

(Customer fills out search card: 16 Chapels)

(me) Oh, you're after books on European Churches?

No, just books about the 16 Chapels.

16 Chapels?

Yea, you know the one with the big painting on the ceiling.

Much more at the BookMine web page. At the risk of negating whatever good mood you are in after reading that, I want to offer this old post about a supremely discouraging conversation overheard by a bookstore employee.